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Life is not about getting to the destination, life is what happens to you on the way there. 

Monday, April 04, 2005

Oh - My - Grossness!

I am so completely and totally grossed out right now - you can't even imagine. I think I've been cured from my love of pistachio nuts for good. I really don't feel well at all.

Let me explain. A while back we went to Sams Club. I bought a jumbo sized bag of Pistachio nuts on the shell (undyed thank you) and I have been munching on them practically every day. Here a nut, there a nut - every where a nut nut. (I wonder what kinds of searches this post will make me show up under now? Nut! Nut nut nut! Sack of nuts! Bag of nuts! Nut bag! oh, but I digress....)

These nuts are name brand nuts. Oh no, they are not generic nuts. I learned a long time ago that generic nuts were sometimes furry on the inside. So, I got name brand nuts. I won't tell you the name brand, but let's just say it rhymes with Fun Paid.

So - I'm eating a few on my lunch break. Sometimes if I can't crack the shell with my fingers I pop the entire nut in my mouth and crunch. Sometimes, if I'm feeling particularly salt-deprived, I suck on a shell or two. (Just try to tell me that you don't do the same thing to peanut shells - go on, I'm waiting) Sometimes the papery skin on the outside of the nut is stuck to the shell and I wind up eating that too, before spitting the shell back out. Remember this - it is not irrelevant.

I'm about halfway through my baggie of nuts (NO I don't bring the whole 10lb bag to work - I'd gorge on them) and I crack open the shell and pop the nut into my mouth. Exceptionally salty - this one. Yep, this is a shell sucker for sure. THEN as I am crunching the nut, I look at the shell and almost blended into the brownish papery skin left stuck to the shell, I spy IT.

IT was right there - just waiting for me to pop IT into my mouth and crunch. I immediately stopped chewing - squelched a gag reflex and spat out the entire thing. Bleah. Bleah. Double bleah! Can you guess what IT was? OMG I never would have thought I would see IT in a nut shell. Since I found this one - my mind inevitably wanders back to the other nuts I ate today. The ones I didn't look at. The ones that were particularly crunchy. The ones I popped the entire shell into my mouth to crunch it open cause it was hard to open otherwise.


I cracked open some more nuts and inspected them thoroughly and found IT had invaded about 2 of every 10 remaining nuts in my bag. I ate almost 100 of them today. If you extrapolate (oooh I used a big word!) that means 20 of them had IT present. Now, IT is residing in my belly! [urk] May I remind you that these are Fun Paid brand nuts, not the cheap brand. No furries in this batch. Just plenty of IT.

What is IT, you ask? A crispy, toasty, dehydrated in brine, flattened MAGGOT.



Blogger Jen said...

I feel like Beavis and Butthead. "huh huh huh, you said nut sack". As for the maggot, I'd mail it back to the company. Maybe you'll get free nuts for life.

4/05/2005 08:07:00 AM  
Blogger Rachel Statler said...

OMG. I think I just totally lost my appatite for Pistacio's too.

4/05/2005 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger Karry said...

Now that's an idea Jen. I didn't save them, but the next one I find I most certinly will - I'm going to write a not so pleasant letter as well. That is - if I can bring myself to eat the rest of the nuts.

4/06/2005 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger Billy said...

Beautifully written! I started reading and coud not stop. Just plain awful and wonderful at the ame time.

4/07/2005 08:26:00 AM  

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