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Life is not about getting to the destination, life is what happens to you on the way there. 

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Flagging euphemisms

Advance warning to all you males that read this blog - I am going into the realm of TMFI today. (TMFI = Too Much Female Information) Fair warning, you may not want to read this. Today's post is rated PG-13, so if you are under thirteen, you may want to have an adult read this post with you. Go on, I'll wait.

Now - based on the title of this post, I am sure you can guess what my topic is today. If not, by the end of this post - it will be unavoidably obvious! (HA - a joke! Don't get it? Keep reading)

For the record, sometimes I think my body is nuts. It does crazy things like letting various body parts fall asleep or go numb for days on end and crave gross food like broccoli and asparagus. Why, just the other day, I saw a photo of a deep fried dill pickle and actually wondered to myself about where on earth I could find me summa dat goodness. Fried dill pickles? You can't tell me that isn't weird. Today was no exception to the norm.

Now, as you read this, keep in mind that my supervisors are male as are the majority of my co-workers. Youngish "still think fart jokes are funny" males. (Okay, so some of them ARE funny.... quit laughing at me) Anyhow, I'm sitting there minding my own business doing my calls. It's right around the time when Margaret comes to visit me every month and because she came early, it's about time for her to be leaving, sometime today or tomorrow.

As the day progresses and there's been no sign of her for over 24 hours, I put away the guest towels and forgot all about it. I figured that she left on time for once. Life is good.

I should tell you that Margaret is an evil lying sneaky witch.

I found this fact out about Margaret after I strode through the entire department, through the lunchroom, back through the department to my desk, and then to the bathroom. I passed about 20 co-workers; many of them snickering. Didn't think twice about it because, well, lots of fart jokes here, it's a guy thing. So, by the time I got to the bathroom, I noticed I was feeling slightly damp. Nothing alarming - just slightly damp. Thank goodness I was at the bathroom when I felt it. Thank goodness nobody's in the bathroom right now. Let's see what's up.

OH - NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Did I ever mention to you that parts of me conveniently lose their senses? Yeah - well, in this case, damp meant wet. VERY wet, VERY red, and all over the backside of my jeans. Looked like I had just painted a giant red flag on my butt.

I nearly lost it. Immediately I began conversing with myself:

You have to go home and change!
I can't leave the bathroom!
Call someone for help!
Who is going to come to my rescue... funny-fart-guy? What on EARTH could he do?
So... cover it up.
With what, pray tell... I'm in a BATHROOM!
Paper towels will cover it!
How? Wear them like sumo underpants? Gee like THAT's not going to attract attention.
Sorry..... Hey! Cover it up with your shirt!
Here's a song that should tell you how I feel about that.... "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie....."
Okay Okay, Shut Up. I get it. But you gotta do something!
I know, I know!
You need clean pants
I know that already!
Wash your jeans.
Oh yes - I'll just swirl them about the toilet once or twice, eh?
No, stupid, use the sink! Just don't get the whole pair wet!
Hmmmmm, that just might work....

So, I did what any red-blooded American girl would. I stripped and washed my pants in the sink. All the blood rinsed out thank goodness, and I only had to use a small amount of hand soap. I dried them off and put them on and checked myself out.

Now, instead of blood, it looked like I peed myself. Much more attractive, eh?

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry Karry. Did you end up going home? Maybe you should check with a doc about your loss of sensations...could be a problem that they could fix, maybe? Haven't heard from Keith... but did see that he cleaned out his savings acct on the 22 of July. So maybe he did go to AZ? Tried calling him on his cell and left message for him to call me back, but nothing. Karl said he saw him on line but he would not respond to questions. So I am not sure what is going on with your little brother. I think he may just end up on my doorstop someday. I just hope he is okay. Let me know if you hear anything. Love Mom

8/03/2005 10:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh that sucks, but I can relate- have been there! Also- next time you are here Pump House Grille is on our itinerary. Fried Pickles are their specialty! :) YUM by the way.
Becki

8/03/2005 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Oh, yeah, that blows. I can empathize particularly today as AF showed up FULL force (and got all over!). After 10 months of no mess I was disgruntled to say the least.

-Blue

8/03/2005 05:31:00 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh lordy. Reading this I re-lived a scence from jr. high. Walked the whole length of the bus and all the way home, and god knows how many classes before that, just like you did through the office. Shudder.
We are SO going to Pump House next time you are here!

8/03/2005 09:01:00 PM  

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