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Life is not about getting to the destination, life is what happens to you on the way there. 

Friday, September 23, 2005

Self indulgent post

So, um, yeah

I've been feeling like gooey toe jam lately. Sorry about that. I get like this once in a while. Every time it happens I fight it tooth and nail because - c'mon, who WANTS to feel like that? Also - sometimes I win and I overcome it. This time I didn't. I don't have the slightest idea why it happens but let me tell you - when it does, it SUCKS. Nothing is interesting anymore, nothing is fun - funny movies only make me smile, boring movies make me cry, I can't read a book, I can't sleep I can't keep my mind on one project long enough to even begin it. I sit still for about 10 minutes then I have to go do something else - my legs bounce and wiggle all the time, I wake up easily, AUGH it sucks really bad.

It's like I am sucked into a vortex of motion and lack of enjoyment. My mind roars along at 5000 feet, but my body is all just "meh" and being dragged along bouncing on the earth behind me.

These episodes scare the daylights out of me because if I ever kill myself it would probably be while I was in one of these "funks". No - don't any of you go panicking now - I'm not suicidal. It just feels that bad. The only time it was worse than this was a long time ago (6 years!) and I got drugs to help put me back onto an even keel. I love life too much to give up that easily, but let me tell you - when this happens it is THAT BAD. I'd almost rather, ya know? I hope you do. I am not sure how to put it any other way.

So - it's not over yet - I'm still tired, I'm still antsy, I'm still partially freaked out for no apparent reason, I still can't concentrate worth crap, but I'm halfway through work and I haven't cried yet and I'm smiling more and I actually laughed at a joke today so things are looking up! I'm so glad that lately these episodes don't take too long for me to get through. I am seeing the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. Now let's just hope it's not a freight train.


Blogger Cate said...

Karry, I wanted to let you know that there are days when I'm not feeling too up myself, when your blog is a much needed ray of sunshine. I'm sorry you've had a bad spell, but I'm glad you see it for what it is. . . a temporary detour that may take you a little out of your way but just one more way to get where you're going. Did that make sense? Philosophy was never my strong suite.

9/24/2005 07:08:00 PM  
Blogger Karry said...

Thank you Cate - I'm glad that you understand. Sometimes I feel like nobody knows (... the trouble I've seen! Oh nobody knows the sorrow.... LOL!) Really though - sometimes it just kind of sucks. Logically I tell myself all sorts of things and really, nothing helps. I think the whole mess was related to me PMS'ing really badly. Why doctors don't believe that it gets that bad I'll never know. I can't wait until I get older and maybe then this won't happen to me so much. I'll either go through the change and be done with it or I'll be on hormone happiness to take care of it. What a wonderful day that will be to never feel like that again. Stop laughing at me. I can dream, ,can't I?

9/25/2005 11:00:00 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

You need some toe-crackers with that toe jam! You sound like I felt this past winter--after Christmas until April. I really thought I was losing it. You can do what Sherry and I do... PRAY FOR MENOPAUSE. Hang in there, the funk DOES come to an end.

9/28/2005 09:21:00 PM  

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